My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
