well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
