I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
