I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
