all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
