dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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