I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
