Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
