fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
