a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
