mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
