I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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