I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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