my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
