Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(714): View more from California

im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF

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(410): View more from Maryland

This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(205): View more from Alabama

We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.

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(831): View more from California

I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?

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(310): View more from California

It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.

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