The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have already put on my inside pants.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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