Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
