I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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