I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
