it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
