alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
This baby is an asshole
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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