If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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