Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
