and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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