I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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