12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
a search helicopter?!
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
