The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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