Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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