PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
