my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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