I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
