just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
