I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just had sex on a roof
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
