The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
