i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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