...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
