a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
