It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
