Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
