Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
