I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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