I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
