why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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