I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I understand Curling. That high.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Randomize
