I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
