I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
