I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Let's get the cat blown out
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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