k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
