My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
