Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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